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2008: The year that was and shall not be again, so help me

Posted on Thu Jan 1, 10:18 PM in Livin'

It is New Year’s Day… according to the calendar, anyway. Is it a new year for me?

Last year was definitely, without argument, a new year, in terms of lifestyle changes, frustration, epiphanies, more frustration, depression, jobs/joblessness, art, and wild ideas. In January, I quit a job that I had from 2003-2008, one which offered me tons of latitude in terms of creating my own job description, yet failed to live up to my final request in changes. In the end a long-term relationship wasn’t in the cards for me and my employer (although we did leave on very good terms), and I wanted to find something more related to what I cared about. That initially was arts, but as time went on I also started including other things I felt passionately about (animals, food, etc.). I thought I had plans for the year… but I think my plans didn’t include a lot of contingencies. What do I do with my creative drive if I feel scared or depressed? How do I react when I’m fearful of the future? These were questions I wasn’t prepared to answer, but I definitely received an answer: I froze.

I had lots of time to think and do. When life threw curve balls, I did more thinking than I should have and less doing than I should have. It wasn’t pretty. I wasn’t coming to terms with fears I’ve had for most of my life (most of these are financial), I was driving my home life into the crapper, and the more I didn’t do the more frustrated I got… and the more frozen I became.

In a rare show of non-planning, I decided to take a trip out west to see San Francisco while the SO was playing out there, and then fly up to Seattle to visit sin-laws and old friends. I also, in another rare display of non-planning, bought a very nice digital camera, which I broke in on this trip. The trip was very fun, and I saw new things in each city which I have captured nicely on pixels. Visits (and gracious stays) with everyone were wonderful. But in the back of my mind I only felt like I was putting the difficult things on hold.

The camera, a Canon Rebel XTi, has become over the year a fun accessory and something I like to take with me to live shows, as I decided to dive more into live music photography like I did when Rattbelly was still together (not that those photos are anything to brag about, but it was fun). I started taking photo walks, even purchasing a tripod and remote to do some self-photos, and finally made use of my Flickr account. While I still have a ways to go with this camera and using it properly, I have to say that my exploration with it was one of the highlights of the year.

But what about exploring the art I meant to explore? Music. I tried writing more “songwriting” songs; I had a few in my back pocket, I had more brewing in my head… It was a laborious process given my mental state. Yes, I know—some would say that if I really had it it me, my mental state would not be an issue. In fact, I had it said to me during that time, and throughout the year. It hurt to hear it… yet, I am not sure I fully agree with it. Certainly, my inability to get into “music gear” was disheartening and, personally, disturbing. I mean, after all, I spent 5 fun years studying music and enjoying it; where did it go?

That is a question, I think, that I actually first asked myself towards the end of 2007, as I grew increasingly mental trying to get my job to agree with me (lost cause, there). I remember thinking to myself, Well, I’m trying my darnedest to work art into my job; what about making a job out of the art I enjoy? Truly, any artist’s dream, really. I have to be honest with myself and say that I think I forgot how to do that. I think I admitted it was important, I admitted I had denied this huge part of myself for a decade after graduating with a music degree, I admitted I wanted to return to it… but I was out of practice, and much of the year was a long, slow road to admitting that, as well. Who wants to admit that the thing they are passionate about has almost gone the Darwinian way of a disused limb? I sure didn’t.

In the middle of summer, the SO called me in the middle of the day to tell me that I had two weeks to memorize the keyboard parts for The Dark Clan, because the keyboardist had to cancel two road shows. I should say here that I had sort of been looking at these parts anyways, as I was going to be a backup if/when this same keyboardist went to college in fall and would not be able to do shows then, either. However, because of a lack of solid dates, my practice time was sketchy. Now I was given two weeks to woodshed them, fully memorized, with about 6 full rehearsals, before going on the road for the first time and performing on stage for the first time in a very long time. For the first time (also), I was grateful for being unemployed; I practiced nearly all day, every day for those two weeks, and learned something that gave me some hope… I found that I really could memorize music (something I wasn’t great at in college), and (most meaningful to me) I found that I remembered how to practice. This isn’t something you hear people talk about much, but knowing how you should practice is important, and because you have to figure this out for yourself, it takes time; you have to know not only your part but how it fits into the whole piece, then know (and admit) what you can do better. Once you find the methods that work for you, it can save you countless hours of heartache. I’m not going to say I was a perfect performer (jitters did get me, but not too badly), but the parts that were difficult at the start did not present problems when all was said and done, and memorizing the music allowed me to concentrate on other important things like group dynamics. It ended up being a mostly fun trip, and because I was prepared, I could enjoy myself more than I would have imagined.

I think this episode made me realize that even if I wasn’t writing music like I wanted, it was still important, and that I could, in fact, be good at it. Playing other people’s music is not the same as writing your own, but it still felt like a return to something I left behind, even if only a small part.

Throughout the year, I did apply for jobs. I think I applied for 10 jobs total. This process, also, was not fun, pretty, or encouraging. But I had to face facts; as the year went on, it became clear that the economy was one of those things I did not count on being an issue during my little “experiment.” Without a doubt, I was fully prepared to quit my job and not look back… but I don’t think anyone could have predicted the very poor timing of my decision, or the rather sad coincidence of not just the SO’s car dying, but mine as well. So many things happened this year, with the housing market, stock market, and everything else financial spiraling out of control, that not having a job by my own volition almost seemed like a bad joke. When I’d say I was out of work, I’d try to preempt the knowing nods of understanding, the nods that say Yes, I’ve heard it’s getting rough out there and immediately launch into the So when were you laid off questions; I didn’t want anyone to give me sympathy I didn’t deserve. What I did receive were RCA dog cocked heads, silently asking me Why did you quit your job in an economic mess like THIS? Indeed, I had a lot of ‘splainin’ to do.

Having said that, and having understood what it was like out there, I was still amazed by two things. One was how long it took me just to get an interview with a company (September). The other was having to justify (once the interviews started) why I was still unemployed after all this time, the answer being the decision I made at the very start to NOT apply for every available job, to make my decisions MEANINGFUL, and thereby increase my chances of finding a great match for both employee and employer. I mean, I had to talk about this a LOT. I tried to preempt this in the cover letters, but interviewers still wanted to know where my head was.

The last interview I had (the third with the company who finally hired me) included the closing question, “Well, I do just want to ask; are you comfortable not working?” To be clear, here, the whole topic of my decision to leave my previous employer, my desire to go back into the arts, and my reasons for applying to that particular company (a music publisher) were well discussed in previous interviews. But in closing the final interview before they made a decision, I asked them if they had any further issues they needed to discuss; it was then that the person (now my boss) asked the question. And I replied, “Well, if you’re asking if I’m comfortable being unemployed for the last 10 months, the answer is definitely ‘no.’ But as we have discussed before, with regard to my change in career goals and return to the arts, I would be even more uncomfortable taking any old job that came along.” And he nodded, saying that’s what he suspected. I started working, for the first time since the first week in January, on November 17.

It is certainly a change for me, a pleasant one, working with people who work with and have a deep love for music. I kind of feel I work with “my people.” Not all are music majors, but they are all there because they love it in some way, and because it is the business, we talk about it all day. It is so different from my last 10 years of corporate life; granted, this, too, is a corporate job, but it is about music… something I never thought I’d get to do. It’s a convenient blend of my last 5 years of marketing experience and my college major. People respect my education and background. I can talk to other musicians. Work is fun. I hope it’s for keeps.

But did this answer a question, solve a problem, meet a goal, or make my world magically better? Does this excuse the previous, tedious, painful year of trying to “find myself” while driving myself and those around me batshit? No. Getting a job is a step in the right direction, but it’s not the answer I was looking for. It’s part of the answer, but I’d be kidding myself if I thought it was the end-all be-all.

The experiment continues.

Before I was hired, I had been giving myself more time to think about really simple concepts, like Why did I go for a music major, anyway? The answer that returns to me is always clear and simple: I wanted desperately to write music for symphonic band, like the music I was lucky enough to play in my own high school band. When I got to college, I was torn in a lot of directions, “tempted” in some ways, and found myself experimenting with other instruments, writing things for new friends, becoming interested in musicology and music history, and spending a year studying the connections between medieval Easter liturgy and Dante’s Divine Comedy. I can’t say I ever lost interest in band literature, but my active interests rather consumed my time, and I chose not to find time for band. Fast forward to now, and if I think about it, wanting to contribute to concert band repertoire is STILL the reason I find when asking myself to justify my choice in college education.

So where does that leave me? I find myself more and more reflecting on things that I left unfinished in college, pieces that were started and filed away before their double bars landed on the page… Working around the people in my company responsible for educational repertoire (band included), I hear discussions about this kind of music and can’t help but contribute (in my head, as I overhear them) my own strong opinions on things, then realize that if this is still important to me on some level, why am I leaving it to sit? Why aren’t I doing something active?

A huge error I made when I graduated college was convincing myself that I was going to be “one of those people” who works the day job and continues on to the art at night. I spent the better part of 10 years convincing myself I was going to be “one of those people” without actually doing it. The problem was that I couldn’t have known in college that I wasn’t one of those people, and I wasn’t going to be one of those people, as much as I wanted it to be true or be like the friends around me who seemed to be making it work. I got too consumed by my day jobs, made too much of being a key player at work, and took that work home with me. I found, later but better than never, that I cannot be duplicitous when it comes to my energy.

Part of what makes this current job promising to me is that the same energy I carry with me during the day is the energy that can be used after work for the same purpose: music. I no longer have to split myself and be two different people. And perhaps most importantly, I am no longer apologizing for this, as though failing to do so represents a deficit in my personality or worth as a person or an artist. I am admitting what I am not and trying—for once—to work with what I am.

And maybe that’s my victory this year, knowing more what I am and what I should do, rather than fit an ideal picture that looks good, but just isn’t me. There have been other victories this year; in addition to making photography a healthy habit, I have also taken advantage of my time off (“early retirement” as my stylist likes to call it) to return to the habit of working out regularly. Before my last year of employment in 2007, I was at the gym 3 nights a week for two hours, and in 2006 I was working with a personal trainer to really make some improvements in strength training. The stress I was under in 2007, however, was something I couldn’t deal with properly, and not only did I stop going to the gym but I gained weight. Once 2008 came along, and I discussed visiting friends out west who wanted to take me hiking and such, I used this as an excuse to not only return to the gym, but meet with my trainer again to initially get in shape for hiking (and all those SF hills!), but also to regain the habit of working out again. And to that end I have succeeded; I went all year long, getting rid of the weight I gained, and becoming stronger in the process. Even through transitioning into the new job and a few longer hours, I have made and kept the gym a priority.

I wish I could say it was a better year than it was. All things considered, it probably ranks as the second-worst year in recent memory for me. But sometimes I think we have to give long, painful birth to truths; in my case, the truths being that my fears are bigger than I realized, my passions are rusty, and I should stop being someone I’m not. Currently, I am working as the full-time keyboardist in The Dark Clan, and with a new personnel lineup, we are working on a couple shows between now and April which should be a lot of fun… not to mention that the new lineup encourages some backup singing on my part, which is a welcome, though difficult, challenge. And even though I work longer than I used to, and am trying to fit in gym time, and balancing the SO’s bus schedule (and his own gym time), our one-car schedule, and a fair cooking schedule… practice never seems to be a bother. I take this all as a really good sign.

People had often told me that I was in a lucky position, to be able to quit while being supported by my SO, so I could find something meaningful. My SO and I went though some very tough times this past year. We fought, argued, gave each other the silent treatment, and generally changed before each others’ eyes. We were baffled by each other and didn’t know what was happening for much of the time. I never once took him for granted, but long periods of inactivity on my part made it appear as though I did. I was trying to figure myself out, and probably wasn’t much assistance in helping him figure out who I was. We did the best we each could at any given time. We both made mistakes and said sorry a lot. Neither of us expected the year to go as it did, so we both were frustrated. It made for a lot of challenges. Somewhere in the midst of all this we hit our 12-year anniversary. It was a quiet celebration.

Getting hired and working again, in a job that I feel is very meaningful to me, doesn’t make the relationship all better, and we both know that. The many ways I am returning to music will mean something if it continues and grows. And we both know that, too. But despite the pain, I was lucky to have him by my side. He has been supportive in many ways this year, and all years before that. I love him a lot. And everyone should know that, too.

So what about this alleged new year? The calendar tells me to be happy, make resolutions, agree to change. I just want to remain hopeful, admit that change is the only constant, keep my health and sanity. I want to keep my passions at the forefront of my mind and resolve to let other petty issues take care of themselves. If that makes the year “new” then so be it. Really though, I’ll take several years’ worth of these new habits, if it means not having another year like the last one for a long, long time.